I promise I didn’t fall off the face of the earth. A LOT has been going on. Good and bad.
Comp. prep has gotten off to a rocky start. Not proud of it and actually I’m pretty embarassed about it. How can I call myself a competitor when I am so easily falling off the wagon these days? and also… WHAT IS WITH THIS TIME OF YEAR?! Last year around this time, I fell into a binge cycle/depression/i want to crawl in a hole and never come out…state of being we shall call it. NOW, I am no where NEAR where i was last year. I have grown so much emotionally and mentally and am able to recognize all of these things. I will say that I am struggling big time right now. Fortunately, I realized that I was struggling and made some changes that I believe will turn things around for me. Before I let that happen though, I am going to take control of things myself. I feel like a broken record and those of you who have stuck with me, I am grateful. Those of you who think I’m a phony, well, I’m not, but I don’t blame you. I keep saying “I’ve got it together!” and follow that up with a big leap in the wrong direction. Sometimes I will catch myself and wonder what the hell I am doing?! Well, it’s called self-sabotage. There are a lot of reasons why we do it. Sometimes we think we are going to fail and instead of putting our heart into something, we purposely sabotage ourselves so that we can’t look back and think that we did everything we could and STILL failed. Does that make sense? Kind of hard to put into words. It is something that many of us have faced at one point or another. It is totally backwards of what we SHOULD be doing, but sometimes our minds work in funny ways.
So one of the big changes that I am making is that I am moving out of my apartment and moving back in with my Dad. If you remember, my roommate moved out at the end of May. She was going to move back in, but after a family situation decided not to. I was happy. She’s a nice person but our lifestyles are total opposite. Well, living alone was great and all for a while, but it has come to the point of me being lonely. I don’t have a boyfriend, I have tons of friends, but I don’t go out during the week. It couldn’t be a better time that my lease is up on the 26th, and rather than renewing like I had planned, I am going to save a crap load some money. So that is two things: save money=less stress, less lonely=less stress
I am apprehensive about living with my dad just because I like being on my own, but if it doesn’t work out I’ll just find a roommate and move out again right?!
Okay so back to comp. prep. I am very disappointed in myself but at the same time not beating myself up. I am just trying to get my head in a position that makes me want to give it my all as far as the dieting goes. My training has been UN-freakin-stoppable. I am lifting heavy-ass-weights and loving every minute of it. I am getting strong as hell and putting on decent muscle(i better be with all of the food that i’m eating.) But boy have I put on an extra layer of fat. I know that if I get a good 7-10 days under my belt it is smooth sailing from there. You would think I could get through 7-10 days easy peasy, but this is where my sales skills and negotiating capabilities DO NOT work in my favor. I am REALLY GOOD at selling myself on anything. I sound pathetic and I know it. I know exactly what I need to do, I know the advice that I would give someone else in my position, but taking my own advice seems so difficult right now.
If you are still reading at this point, you are a trooper, but basically I am just getting my thoughts out on paper. Realistically, I need to stop whining and complaining and practice what I preach. One day at a time, one meal at a time. I will get there. I’m hesitant to say that “I will do this” because I feel like I’ve said that a lot lately and been positive only to screw it up again.
Hopefully the motivation gods will find me tonight and ensure that i do this the right way with no excuses. I am going to give it all that I can. The only person in my way is ME, and if it were someone else I’d be stepping all over them to prove them wrong. I guess it is time to prove myself wrong. Not going to stand in my way anymore! Ah encouragement is much needed guys. Sorry for the novel, just have a lot on my mind…